The Miraculously Mundane: Counting the Cost

Conviction. Conviction hit my heart sudden and deep as I read these words that Jesus spoke to God the Father before his agonizing torture and death. Jesus knew what He was facing. He knew the suffering He would certainly encounter. He knew that following the will of the Father would cost Him His life. He knew.

Jesus knew and He still followed. He laid down his rights as the Son of God and endured for me a most horrible death. All so that I could spend my time complaining, whining, feeling sorry for myself? I don’t think so. But to be honest, that is where I have been over the past few weeks.

Our current circumstance is not fun and I have been wrestling with God on the “Why”. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve prayed, “why now”, “why us”, “why at all”. I have wanted God to answer me, to tell me His plan, to give me answers. Why? So, I can feel secure again.

I have been angry with God. Angry because He is asking me to give up my life, my friendships, my job, my home, my security, my identity, everything I know. Angry that I must feel pain of losing things I hold dear. Yet, while I reading the words of Christ, I am reminded that while Christ did not want to go to the cross for me, He did and the suffering I feel today is nothing in comparison to cross of Christ.

Christ tells us in Luke 9:23 that “Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves take up their cross daily and follow me.” (NIV). What is my cross? Well, today, I believe my cross is one of loss. God is asking me to trust Him in the midst of great uncertainly for my family. He is stripping me of the things I hold on to for security and identity. I do not know where I will be a month from now. I do not know where I will live, who my friends will be, what my life will look like. But I do know that God will be with me.

I guess I had never counted the cost of following Christ. I’d venture to say most of us in America never have. I had never considered what God would require of me as His chosen child. So, here I am, complaining, whining, to my Jesus who was willing to give everything up for me. And I found something Friday night that I have never seen before….a common ground with Jesus. Suffering is not what He wanted either but He was willing to follow the Father’s plan no matter where it led. And it led to His death. So, in the midst of my suffering…the loss, the anger, the hurt, I now realize in a small part what it means to follow Christ. I, too, am being asked to give up my life, my life here in Benton. God has stripped me of everything that would and could define me (friends, home, structure, job, plans, etc.). He has put me in a place of complete dependence. Every day is a struggle to give it all back to God and allow him to change my heart. And I hope at the end of all of this I can say with confidence….

“I consider everything a loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them garbage, that I may gain Christ and be found in him…I want to know Christ – yes, to know the power of his resurrection and participation in his suffering, becoming life him in his death.”