I am an achiever, a doer, and as such I like to set goals and accomplish them. So, this year I set out to be intentional in looking for what God was teaching me in my everyday life. It was how this whole blog began (
you can read that story here). My hope and prayer in starting this was for myself. I had hoped that God would show me things He wanted me to see and I had hoped that I might bring some encouragement to my friends along the way.
At the same time I was starting this blog, I also began a Precepts study in Colossians and had another great idea (not that it's an original one). I would pick out certain passages from Colossians and turn them into prayers for myself, Aaron, our small group, our family, etc. Here is what I began praying for myself...
Lord, help me to set my mind on things above, not on earthly things (Col. 3:2). Take my sinful, selfish heart and give me a heart of compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience. Help me to forgive and love others. Lord, let the peace of Christ rule in my heart so that there will be unity. Let Your word dwell richly within me. (Col 3:12-16) Help me to devote myself to prayer, conduct myself with wisdom and let my speech be seasoned with grace. (Col. 4:2-6)
I had no idea that God's plan for working this out in me would be one of trial by fire. Every single thing I prayed God would do in me, He tested. I have struggled with each point made above and while I have not arrived at perfecting any of them, I have improved in some and, to be honest, miserably failed at others.
I learned a valuable lesson about prayer....be care what you pray for. God is faithful to change us, to make us better and more like Jesus. But the process can be painful. I think we sometimes think God will just change our hearts or minds, like snapping His finger and poof it's gone. I find that He rarely changes me that easily or quickly (not that He can't, but that He chooses not to). I have found it to be a more slow and painful process. It is much more like a tug or war between me and giant. I know I won't win but I'm still holding on.
When I asked God to set my mind on things above not on earthly things, I had no idea that He would chose to teach me that lesson by stripping me of a home I love. By that I mean not only my physical house (which I do love and hate leaving) but a home I had set up for myself in Benton, Arkansas. My earthly home had become an important place to me and by taking that away God showed me that my true home is with Him. Oh, how my heart as longed and ached for that day when my home will never change again, when I will be where I am supposed to be.
When I asked God to change my heart, to help me forgive, and to let peace rule for the sake of unity, I had a few situations and people in mind, namely my husband. I have a tendency to be less peaceful and unifying when I'm annoyed. (Insert laugh here.) The way God chose to work those out in me turned out to be on a larger scale than I anticipated. Unity of our church became a focus for us and a repeated prayer. We love the people at Fellowship deeply and we did not want our situation to cause friction or create disunity among them. We prayed hard against it even before anyone of them knew what was happening in our lives. Now, I'm not saying that I did not struggle in my own heart with forgiveness or peace or even unity, I did...a lot. But God was faithful to rip that part of my sinful heart away so that He would get every ounce of glory He deserves in this!
When I asked God to help me devote myself to prayer, I was again not ready for what He had in mind. God has ripped away every shred of security I held on to and what I had left was Him. I have prayed more than I think I have ever prayed. I have prayed for myself, my husband, my marriage, my kids, my friends, for a job, for a house, for our finances, for...well, everything. I had no idea what my life would even look like so I just prayed for God to work it out. What else could I do? I had no control left. It was a horribly desperate and gloriously dependent place.
As for compassion, gentleness, and speech seasoned with grace, I'm still a work in progress. While I hope that I have not said or done anything that would take away from the good that God has brought in this process, I know that my heart still needs changing in these areas. I still jump too quickly to my old self and I'm still praying God will change those areas as well (I guess I should let go of that rope, huh?).
So a few days after we got the news, I put this up in our kitchen.
It is has been my constant prayer for my family throughout this entire process.
