I am a list-making, get-to-the-point kind of girl. I am not very verbose (at least not the majority of the time). I hate to repeat myself and if I'm honest, I hate it when other people do the same. I enjoy multi-tasking and email and text are my primary forms of communication when it comes to accomplishing a task. I hate waiting in lines, whether that line is in the grocery store or on the freeway. And I feel like one of my greatest gifts is administration - I get things done!
It's probably not a huge stretch to think that prayer is not easy for me. In fact, I really struggle with it! I feel like I repeat myself and since prayer is a solitary venture, I feel like I'm not accomplishing much. Now, I know there is a spiritual lens I should be looking through. But for a moment, I'm taking that off and simply being honest about what I feel. I would say that I have an average prayer life. I toss up quick prayers of gratitude when something good happens or short please help me prayers when struggles or temptations hit. But really praying, the kind where you sit talking, waiting, and listening, I'm not so great at.
After we found out about our transition out of ministry at Fellowship, Aaron and I committed to really pray about what God had next for us. This was a stretch for me. I had no idea how to really pray for something like this. I knew what I wanted but could I really expect God to deliver my want? Is what I wanted what I needed? And what if He didn't do what I asked, would I be disappointed? What would that say about my faith?
Ephesians 3:12 says, "Because of Christ and our faith in him, we can now come boldly and confidently into God's presence." So, boldly I went. I began to pray freely, with out concealing my desires.
I asked God to provide us with a ministry close to our family. I even asked specifically for the Dallas area. I also asked that He provide this ministry before our last day at Fellowship. And then the waiting began. I prayed the same prayer over and over and asked others to pray the same way for us.
And we waited.
And waited.
For 3 months we waited to see what God would do. It was our wandering in the dessert - thank God our dessert wasn't 40 years!
And what did God do? Well, He was gracious enough to answer our prayers...all of them...just in time. God was good. He was faithful. He was gracious.
I felt like I was floating on a cloud of gratitude for a while. And now I'm back on the solid ground of doubt again. You would think that since God provided in such a specific and gracious way, I wouldn't doubt His goodness to me. You would think, I would be confident in His ability to sell a house.
But the honest truth is, I'm back to struggling through the same issues again. I have a bold prayer in regards to the selling of our house. This prayer is specific, too.
Now, I'm in the waiting again.
The difference this time is that I know that if God doesn't answer my prayer in the way that I want, He has in the past. So, if He chooses not to grant me this desire, He must have a reason!