I have been pretty MIA this summer on my blog and there are some reasons for that. One being that I wanted to be present this summer. Fully available to what was happening in my heart, my life, and my family. There have been many moments worthy of posting and hopefully I can get to those during the year but I wanted to give my family me this summer.
So, with that said, I'm sad that summer is coming to an end. This summer, unlike any before it, marks a true end. This is the last month I will have Caden to myself. The last month where I will control his schedule, his play dates, his activities, and mine for that matter.
There has already been some weeping and gnashing of teeth as I think that my mornings will no longer belong to me but the school and my days will be regulated by someone else's calendar. For a self proclaimed lover of routine, I thought this would bring relief but it has brought stress and sadness more than anything. It is truly amazing how God changes your heart in ways you never expected. I have so come to love my easy schedule, slow mornings, and our family snuggles - where both kids end up in our bed in the morning.
On Monday, Caden woke before his sister (a rare occurrence these days) and crawled up into our bed to snuggle. As he did, I payed close attention to how long his legs were, reaching well below my knees and as he stretched, his arms were too long to fully extend. I was so aware of how big he is now. Long gone are the days where I could wrap my knees to meet his tiny legs and curl my body around his. This may be one of the last times I get to hold him close early in the morning, before the chaos begins, before he becomes distracted and uninterested in me.
It is so bitter.
I felt sad that I had not cherished every single time he crawled into our bed. (It was a daily ritual for a stretch because the boy could not sleep past 5:45 AM!) As he placed his sweet hands on my face, I thought to myself that someday a hug might be too much to ask of him.
I've been studying Genesis with a group of girls this summer and this moment reminded me of what I have been learning about the effects of The Fall. Eve was punished for her disobedience and as a result all women would experience pain in childbirth. I've read this so many times but what I have failed to see until Jen Wilkin brought it to my attention is that this pain is not limited to the hours we actual labor but extends into all of parenting.
Our children are given to us within the safety of our wombs and we push them out into a world full of sin and pain, a world that is broken and unsafe. But our pushing them does not end there, we will push them out further and further into the world as they grow. The pain that this brings us as mothers will go with it. So, I will push Caden into Kindergarten. I will give him over to a world that I can no longer control with kids who I do not know and with teachers and administers that I hope will love him well. But the reality is that I am further exposing him to the sin, pain, and brokenness of this world...little by little, releasing him.
If I could talk to myself almost six years ago, I would tell myself that the physical pain of childbirth would pale in comparison to the way my heart aches now. I just thought the baby stage was hard. Kindergarten is so much worse and I can't even think of letting him go to college! He may have to stay home!
While I am sad that he is no longer a baby, I am in love with the boy that he is, and I am hopeful for the man he will become.
Lord, help me raise a man who loves you, seeks after you, and follows you...
even if it hurts to let him go.